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08 juli 2011

It's a little cooler today...So i'm off to play,...... you know the rest of it .......
My twins have invaded Europe and are leaving London today for France..
my wife is in New York so Coalie and I are going it alone this weekend...

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life:
people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

(7 kommentarer)

06 juli 2011

It's HOT!!!! I'm off to play I 'm doing well I've been eating a lot of watermelon, nectarines too.The avocados are growing on our trees again....So I'll be able to ship them all out to you soon...heehee...
I will walk the entire course..

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

Where I'm Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used against you.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

My Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.

What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

person who run in front of car get tired

person who run behind car get exhausted

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets
are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

(13 kommentarer)

01 juli 2011

I have to remember that eating more protein is higher in calories..But I'm getting very low carb choices.I will walk the entire course..Were going to spend the weekend with my daughter and SIL and my baby "WILL".My twins are leaving for a 35 day visit of Europe leaving on Tuesday with friends... I'm off to play before it reaches a 100 degrees here...

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

I never really grew up, I only learned how to act in public

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

You are such a good buddy that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you and think of you often.

The doctor told a man I can cure your
headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

He was shocked and depressed. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need – a new
suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…size 44
long.” “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the
business 60 years!” It fit perfectly.
The salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” “Sure.” The salesman
eyed his feet and said, “Let’s see…10-1/2 E.” That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”
and the salesman asked,“How about some new underwear?” he said,“Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed his waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.” “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.”

(9 kommentarer)

28 juni 2011

I'm still doing well eliminating carbs.. I'm not so big on desserts,so it's easy to eat meals ...just snacks are a little hard to do.I'm off to play I will walk the entire course.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the rest of the WEEK says WTF !!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

You know the world has to be going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the last administration's three most powerful men in America were named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

I have never understood why women love cats so much. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a
man, they love in a cat.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.

(16 kommentarer)

26 juni 2011

I think I'm doing well eating low carb...I'm off to play a round..I will walk the entire course.....

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one person enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my wife going to do?

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so they can tell when their really in trouble.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat the crap out of them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

The voices in my head may not be real, but they do have some good ideas!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.They won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

When in doubt, mumble.

Worrying does work! 90% of the things I worry about never happen

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something EXCITING, and to relate it to the class the next day.

So this Little boy walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what he had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," He said.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so EXCITING about a period."

"Hell if I know." said the boy. "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself"....

(5 kommentarer)

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