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07 september 2011

I'm off to play....it's 103 degrees here...i will walk the entire course...

An elderly man was at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the door, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
She replied, "Those are for the funeral."........

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK. sure I will. And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the DEVIL and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

(5 kommentarer)

03 september 2011

Ok i'm having trouble with this sleep eating thing late at night again....Sometimes i don't even know what i eat.I have to take Ambien i have trouble sleeping...
I do well all day and then this happens it doesn't happen every night...but it's taking a toll...

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. unaware to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball.”
Man- “That’s nice.”
Boy- “Want to buy it?”
Man- “No, thanks.”
Boy- “My dad’s outside.”
Man- “OK, how much?”
Boy- “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy- “Dark in here.”
Man- “Yes, it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy- “$750.”
Man- “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, OK....“Don’t start that shit again.”

(13 kommentarer)

29 augusti 2011

I'm maintaining the best i can,i'm off to play i will walk the entire course...

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on..

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

I either Get what I want or I change my mind

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others

The sex was so good for me the other night that even my neighbors had a cigarette

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You chew on other people's fingernails.

You don't sweat, you percolate

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas

People get dizzy just watching you.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not
plugged in.

You help your dog chase its tail

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

(7 kommentarer)

24 augusti 2011

PLAY PLAY PLAY........I will walk the entire course........
Will just turn 4 months old....and he turn over yesterday.......my wife shot enough video to make a movie....we're trying to find a Producer now......lol...

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" "Pinocchio!!!!!!! my son "yells the old man.

(5 kommentarer)

23 augusti 2011

I'm doing really Well.I'm off to play..I will walk the entire course..

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband lies down every night? - A widow!

The more I know people - the more I love my dog.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

(1 kommentar)

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