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25 maj 2011
The day is so perfect I can't spoil it now....I'm off to play....
I will walk the entire way..errr.....not to the course it's 10 miles away..but I will walk ,no cart...
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't...so damnit I will!
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Why is it..Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac.
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Dear Lord, you have have been good to me. As an offering, I present these chocolates and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. <PAUSE> Thy will be done AMEN. .
(15 kommentarer)
24 maj 2011
totally nice day.....Soooooooo I'm off to play...
I will walk the entire course...
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .... do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
11)You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
12)"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
13)"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
14)If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
15)I think -- therefore I'm single.
(12 kommentarer)
23 maj 2011
I finished the graphic job for the doctor's receptionist ..I'm off to play....I will walk the entire course...
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.......JK...I'd better be!!
HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $10.95 per minute.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
(22 kommentarer)
21 maj 2011
END OF THE WORLD........JUDGEMENT DAY MAY 21,2011 6PM.So glad I got in 18 today..and walked on my treadmill.It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.....I guess he missed the part in the Bible that says no person knows the day or the hour of Christ's coming!!
Apoca-lapse? of Judgement....
Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: "The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sorry."
I survived may 21st judgement day and all I got was a lousing t-shirt..
I can hear the comments Now!
USA Today: WE'RE ALL DEAD Story
continues on page 7..
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
YAHOO: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
(14 kommentarer)
19 maj 2011
I went to doctor for check up and all my blood work was very good..
he even told me he's thinking about cutting some of my meds...
His receptionist is a real doll and i couldn't say no to her so i'm going to do some graphic work for her.i'm off to play ...again...I will walk the entire course...
Here's some good ones..
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on
Don't frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"The church is near but the road is icy;
The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."
"A Zen master, when asked where he would go after he died, replied, 'To Hell, for that's where help is needed most.'"
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
I love to sing, and I love to drink beer. Most people would rather hear me drink beer."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ARK; professionals built the TITANIC.
(19 kommentarer)
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