WisteriaSky233 's dagbok, 06 mar 24

When you write your letter, ask him to be a better version of himself, not ask him to change. If he isn’t willing to better himself as it relates to marriage, then it’s his loss.  

Don’t feel like I’m in a place to advise you but I can say that I felt far more lonely married to a person who didn’t want to connect than I’ve ever felt being single. And actually I do not feel lonely. It is so much easier to form real connections now that I’m not stuck with someone who refuses to. 

so sorry this is happening. I will share my journey to becoming single at age 57.. now 63. my marriage was a job to my ex. I was just second wife. The first two years was manageable. yep I said manageable. he was very abusive verbally, emotionally to me and my children. extreme spiritually abusive to me. selfish, deceitful person. Before our marriage he was a great pretender. Blaming his first falled marriage on his first wife. As time passed I saw just what kind of person he was. I felt trapped as I was a stay at home mom. horrid with money management and did not want to be corrected. He is and was a manipulator and a narcissist to the max. I prayed each night to be released from him. many years. I was miserable. he was a miserable person and he made those around him miserable. finally he asked for a divorce and I was relieved. I found out a little before our divorce that he had been having affairs. I asked him years before this about that? he always denied it. well I had access to his Facebook account (our divorce proceedings had just started) so I printed out each conversation he had with many women and gave it to my lawyer. rapping things up...we are divorced and it is one of the best things that has happened to me. what the devil tried to do evil to me God changed it. I'm happily divorced. I'm at peace. now I do have three adult sons. he tried to turn them against me but they know just what kind of mother and person I am. I love them. They are hurt and I'm sure torn because of the divorce. my middle son thinks that I should make nice with my ex. I refuse to have any dealings with him. he is a monster and I'm not in bondage anymore I am free. now divorce is not easy at all. I have a 26 year old special needs son who I care for and he has had some problems behind the divorce. he receives supports and helps to keep him moving in a good way. since I'm my younger son's guardian I do not want ex near him as it has negative effects on him. I've grown in my faith and other areas of my life. My ex always told me he was leaving now he gone and I'm GLAD. it's a process. But if he treats u like pu and doesn't show you you are the stuff then you have some thinking to do. now for advise I would not tell him u are thinking of divorcing him. you may not know how he will react. protect yourself and if u have kids protect them too. my ex didn't know about me finding out about his affairs till we went court. my and my lawyer own our case. he agreed to pay the mortgage and that I can live in our house till I die. God is good all the time. I have the support of mother sister( her husband) my brother and his family. my two older adult sons are torn and I don't make them feel like they have to choose between me and their father. what they speak about with them is their business. divorce is a process of healing, learning and forgiveness. I've forgave myself for staying way too long with that monster and exposing my kids to that ugly time. I've ask God to help forgive their father also. this is a huge process too. but if I don't forgive I can't receive any myself. I end and get off my soap box. lol 

Wisteria you have mentioned the debt you both have and that he said he took this current job as his solution to correct that situation. Get out your calculator and go back and list all your debt you both had the day he started this job and what it is today. Then figure out if you are in a better or worse position and how long it will be before you are debt free. Factor in reasonable annual expenses and emergency purchases. Will you be debt free in a year, 5 years, 10 years. If the time period is too long what are his plans for looking for a better paying job closer to home with better hours. Tell him you need to see it on paper to have a reasonable productive conversation about how his job is benefitting your relationship.  

My comment comes from the 7 day 12 hours a day work week. Coming home exhausted and disengaged other than sleeping and eating. If there isn’t a significant benefit he should pursue another job. Your unhappiness appeared to escalate the same time he started this job. 

@honeebuns Yes, the other problems were there but only began to get aggravated by the horrible job. He is thurfar unwilling to look for other employment.