peeperjj 's dagbok, 24 jul 18

I remember reading about people working/researching up in the arctic and having to eat sticks of butter. It was so cold that they had to take in high amounts of calories for their bodies to keep their temperatures up. I love butter but I can't imagine gnawing on a stick of it being pleasurable. Extreme cold increases certain neurotransmitters that increase focus and improve mood. I am not sure on the details of how cold and how much increase but I do find cold showers and swimming in cool water refreshing.  

applying ice pack to tummy while vacuuming. wish me luck 😂 

Good luck Cynthia! I don’t know that just vacuuming one house with the ice packs will show any benefit. Perhaps you should come vacuum mine and use my special ice packs 🤪! 

Kenna, I’ve considered shock therapy as I really want my. Rain to work like everyone else’s. However when I researched it several years ago it brought up disturbing things. Plus I’m irrationally afraid of being committed or losing my kids. My counselor says this won’t happen but I’ve been told I’m crazy enough in the last that this is a real fear to me. I’m not crazy however but when pushed too far I do tend to bitch quite a bit and once by a wall and broke my hand. I also go outside and stomp around and pace until my ‘mad’ is gone. Seems some people find that to be crazy insane behavior. I’d like to meet a woman who is hormonal and pushed to her limits that smiles and says ‘please do it some more, I won’t call you on it!’ Lol. Having a counselor tell me repeatedly that it’s depression and stress and anxiety helps me realize I’m not crazy and just need those around me to stop pushing my buttons constantly ;).  

Crazy8, I know what you mean! In Oklahoma we have some days that get -20 with wind chill (no wind blocks at it house) and I should be losing tons of weight of this is accurate lol. Officially, on days that are cold but not so bad that I’m shaking constantly, I feel happier. My mind does tend to work a bit better then but only while I am outside in the cold. While waiting on the school bus with the kids in winter I tend to remember all kinds of things like groceries I need to get, practices we forgot about etc. If I take paper with me I can write it all down and save time trying to remember it all later ;). But I still dislike the cold! This winter I plan to sit on the porch and have coffee while the kids wait by the road. The older two say they are too old for me to wait with them. The 4yr old starts this year so I may be ‘allowed’ to wait some with them because she likes her mama being close.  

Peeper- do the special ice packs come with vodka and a long straw??? If so, I'm in! 😂🍹👍 

I’ve never had vodka but they could come with a cookies and cream or peaches and cream protein shake! Or you could have some of hubbys Bud Light lol. They could also come with fiber one bars, protein bars, breakfast for dinner or the like :).  

Old news. Obviously true that calories are burned to maintain body temp at a normal level in a cold environment. Read about the daily calorie requirements for an artic explorer to maintain weight. Hard to replicate a polar thermal load in your bathtub, however, much less with a shower or ice pack...  

Lolololol 

PeeperJj — I am really sorry for your situation. Do you have a decent support system? Kids, families, friends and jobs can always but such stressors and kids really do know how to push our buttons sometimes..would it be in the realm of possibility for you to talk to a doctor who actually does the ECT just to get some accurate, up to date. information. There is very specific guideline and criteria for removing children from a home— not like the old days. How old are your kids? Boys?,girls?. I hope you will continue to feel comfortable venting here. I will look forward to “talking” with you again.— Kenna Morton 

Peerj I have had bouts of depression too and once it was bad enough to treat. I could not leave the house. Obviously you are very functional. And in Scotland in the old country, people had their own shrieking tree, which they could go out and abuse to their hearts content to get it all out. Definitely healthy normal behavior in my mind. don't ever let "other people" tell you what is normal. Getting out your frustration is a safe manner is healthy. Holding it all in is just the opposite, like putting a cork in an active volcano. Exercise and balanced diet does wonders for helping to balance mood swings. Your chemo and other therapies I am sure played havic with your system. Getting out and enjoying life is so helpful for balance. Good for you all the work you are putting in to feel good in your own skin.  

One more thing Peeper— you are on the right track with your weight. Work on it slowly— short term goals and see how you do. My feeling is that anyone can loose weight, but to make it sustainable is a completely different issue. Especially in your particular circumstances, you don’t want to deprive your body of those critical micronutrients that it needs to heal and recover.. you also don’t need the mental stress and strain of trying to achieve a magic number.. slow and easy with a focus on regaining your health. Chin up kiddo— one foot ahead of the other, one step at a time.  

Kenna, my family is about 60-90 minutes away but I do have 2 relatives in their 70’s that are supportive. Hubby and kids can be but not often. My 9 yr old is super supportive and I have one friend here about 30 minutes away. The family that live around here are not supportive at all unless they gain something by it. :( My friends from back home all have kids, families and work so I rarely talk to them except Facebook posts. My counselor deals with abuse cases a lot and has to go to court and deals with social services. I’m fairly certain she would know. She thinks it’s only depression anxiety and grief but I feel that there’s something more behind the depression so we are working to figure out what it is. My kids are 12,9&4. The 12 ur old is causing problems but we think it’s more age and hormones than anything. She’s a drama queen who wants all the attention. She sees my diet as taking attention away from her because I focus on healthy foods rather than the junk she wants. All girls.  

I’m working on sustainability. I have had to give up a LOT and I don’t feel that I should give up all the food I like. But I’m smart enough to know that if I eat like I was then 1) if cancer comes back it will feed on the sugar and 2) I’ll just gain the weight back. So I’m working on moderation ;). The ‘magic number’ is 120. That’s probably not sustainable so I changed my goal to 130. 111-126 is my ideal. With surgical menopause I’m unsure if I could even get to 120 in a healthy way. I do plan to try though because I know I’ll gain water weight when I start maintaining. 125 is where I’d like to stay as the only times in life I felt I had real energy and good body image past 25 was around 120-125. But if I have to stay at 130 then I’ll learn to love myself at 130 ;). Honestly when my jeans fit again I’ll be happy. I have 10+ pairs that I’d like to fit again!  

love it! So when I'm shivering and telling the hubby I'm freezing my butt off. I really am!  

Baskington, I’m sorry to hear that. Depression can be debilitating for sure. I’ve had episodes where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I have no choice as 3 little humans and countless animals depend on me. I do tend to bottle it up. That’s why I hit the wall and broke my hand. I’d just had enough and some things hubby said struck a nerve that I couldn’t control. I had the presence of mind NOT to hit him so I know I didn’t completely lose it but enough that it worried me and I stepped up counseling. She feels that twice a month is a good amount for where I am now until I’m ready to discuss losing Mom Dad and my stepdad within 4 years and then cancer and chemo all complete 2 years after that. Cancer didn’t bother me as it was out before I knew about it. Chemo did a number on my memory, thought processes and mood swings. Exercise has helped some. Diet not that I can tell. BUT if I get really hungry then I’m a bitch. No nice way of putting it. I HATE to be really hungry so I’m thankful that my stomach has shrunk! I may have to go complain to the horses or one of the trees :). At least they can’t talk back lol.  

I think you have a very good, doable plan. I can see that you have really worked at finding a solution for your circumstances. I think 120 is a great goal. Reassess as you move forward and see at what point you are comfortable. Don’t stress— slow, steady, realistic. If there is anything I might do for you let me know. Good Night Peeper. 

Thanks Kenna that means a lot. Good night :).  

Depression and food go hand in hand for me. Wish I knew that as a teenager, as I had my share of it then. Now, whenever I feel a touch of the blues, I ask myself what I ate. There's a yummy coconut yoghurt in the fridge right now, and I look at it with temptation often. Don't eat it though, as I know it's one of the 'blues' foods. Think it must have a fair bit of sugar in it. 

Diddlee, for me when Mom was sick I ate junk but only at meals. Occasionally when she woke up some we would have coke and cookies or a honey bun for breakfast. Not a lot but enough I knew it should make me gain. I lost instead. Normally when I get depressed or upset/anxious I can’t eat. I feel physically ill if I eat when I’ve been crying, nervous/anxious or angry. I think that helped keep my weight on track lol. It’s still the same to a point but in the last year Ive found that I skip a meal but I turned to candy and soda more. I like food. I love sugar and sweets and carbs. I crave them. I think it’s more that I need to THINK when I’m upset and make a good choice rather than grab something and not even realize it. Or at least thats what I came up with lol. So the next time I get upset I can’t/won’t eat. If I need something then I have broth on hand and 60 cal cheese sticks.