Klynn82 's dagbok, 07 jun 18

Thursday means that the weekend is on the horizon...if you squint really hard, you might be able to see it!!

Happy Thursday everyone. I hope you are all having a fantastic day.

I wasnt going to post today, but I have been told that there are people here who look for my posts when they log on, so I dont want to let anyone down. This post will be brutally honest though, and I am not very happy today.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have always been the fat kid. I am so tired. I am beat down, worn out, and just done. I weigh in tomorrow, and I truly feel like it will be going up, not down and that just makes me want to cry. I just want to curl up in my bed and sob my little heart out. I know that weight fluctuates, I know that hormones, water, sodium, poop, blah blah blah all have a factor in what you weight, but I am so tired of being fat. I am tired of being tired, tired of being gross and ugly. I am just tired.

There is a member here that everyone really likes and respects, but for some reason they are nothing but unkind to me. I dont know what I have done, I dont know why this person doesnt like me, but whenever they comment towards me, they are rude and sometimes hurtful. Nothing that I normally cant handle, but this morning, I am feeling sorry for myself, so to see them say what they said, it just took the wind out of my already partially deflated sail. Calling me out for not weighing in, when I do it every Friday. Yeah, when I first started here, I didnt have a scale to use, so I shared my progress through non-scale victories, like being able to walk into a store with my husband, or wearing shirts that hadnt fit in a long time, but when I found a scale that would weigh me, I did it. I weighed and posted and showed the whole world that I was a fat girl so desperately trying to be thin, trying to fit that the world calls "normal", trying to love myself and see whatever it is my husband sees when he calls me beautiful.

I thought that sharing those things would motivate people, help them see that even this lazy stupid girl could finally do something. But apparently, to some people, thats not enough. You have to put numbers into a box. I could easily click that "weigh in now" and type 135lbs and no one would be the wiser, because no one can see me, you dont know what I look like. You dont know that my arms are so fat that shirts in my body size still sometimes squeeze my arms, that I am such an awkward size that my pants are always either too long or too short, that there are days that my wedding rings will fall off if I wash my hands, but then there are days they wont budge because my body likes to swell up. That I can put on my pants in the morning and they fit fine, but because of liquid retention in my legs, by mid afternoon, they are so tight on my calves that the seems are stretching. That there are days that I would rather be dead than 400lbs. I am a flawed, damaged human being and all I am doing here is try to make one part of my life just a little better. You dont know my struggles, or me, so to just judge me by a number in a box, you are missing a bigger picture.

I am not going to stop sharing those things, because I know that there are people here who want to hear those things, not just from me, but from all of us. We all want to see someone succeed in this, because if they can do it, so can we!

Sometimes the only goodness, kindness, and help that people see are in a place where others are struggling with the same things. I try to be kind to everyone who crosses my path, because you dont know what kind of life they live. I have struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, I still do and it doesnt help to have a world of people who are unkind to you, just because they think that they can be. Lift people up, dont shove them down, and if they are already down, dont push them further.

Today I will pray a selfish prayer, I will pray for me. I will pray for my broken heart, for my crushed and bruised spirit. I will pray for another breath and another moment, just to try to get through the day. I will pray for those who hurt me, that they see light in this world even when they just show dark. I will pray for my body, as damaged and flawed as it is, I will pray to see something more than just fat. I will thank God for another day, I will pray that I make the most of it, and maybe by sharing my pain, I can help heal someone else. I pray that the Lord touches all who read this. Give us strength, hope, and a future. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Be good to each other, be kind, be who you would want someone to be to you. Sending love...

---

746 kcal

Fett: 70,05g | Prot: 21,03g | Kolh.: 9,00g.   Frukost: Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Carrington Farms Pure, Unrefined, Cold Pressed Coconut Oil 100% Organic Extra Virgin, Great Value Heavy Whipping Cream Ultra Pasteurized. Middag: Johnsonville Beef Brats, Oscar Mayer Beef Hot Dogs Franks. Snacks/Annat: Kirkland Signature Artichoke Hearts Marinated in Oil. mer...

3344 kcal

Träning: Fitbit - 24 timmar. mer...